13 July 2016

You’re like sexually autistic

People in my life tend to be tactless and unfiltered, and they express themselves without overthinking it. I cant help writing things down for the sake of reminding them later that these words came out of their mouths. Later is now.

“Are you doing cocaine? Are you eating Vienna sausages? That’s bad for you.”
“Ça va, c’est pas trop phallique?”
Mom: “Men aren’t good at expressing themselves, especially men of his age –”
Dad: “Men of my age?!”
M: “It’s just the generation, back then –”
D: “Back then?!”
Mom: “Do you think Kris and I look like each other?”
Girlfriend: “Yeah, you do.”
Brother: “So you would do our mom?”
(dead silence)
Dad: “I see you looking at my wife.”
“Would you like to be dominant after dinner?”
Mom: “I was driving and I just felt like I was gonna pass out. So I called 911.”
K: “What did they do?”
M: “Well the fireman came out and rescued me!”
K: “Did you notice my hair?”
Dad: “It’s…curly. It’s long. It’s lighter. It’s pretty.”
K: “It’s BLUE.”
“Look at you, you’re like sexually autistic.”

There’s no such thing as family-and-friends confidentiality.