28 July 2014

The fallen cream puff


This morning, my family and I decide to purchase pastries from a bakery in Rome. Once at our apartment door, I withdraw my brother's chocolate cream puff from the paper bag and present it to him.

Suddenly gravity kicks in, knocking the cream puff from my hand. I swing up my left hand to catch it and only succeed in smacking it to the side against my right hand before it tumbles to the floor.

My eyes widen as I stare down at the fallen cream puff, horrified. I look back up at my brother's impassive expression.

He kneels down calmly, retrieves his cream puff, and stuffs it into his sizable mouth. Then he turns and walks into the apartment, leaving me grimacing with a new kind of horror.

21 July 2014

Beautiful French moron

My younger brother is spending this summer chez moi in France. This trip being unforeseeable, he made the mistake of not taking French in high school. It has thus been my duty to teach him the basics.

My brother's specific inquiries into French expressions have been those that will facilitate his goal of scoring with a Française. So one night at dinner in Paris, he asks me, "How do you say 'you're beautiful'?"

Most of the time, my teaching skills are quite adequate. Other times, the bullshitter in me kicks in.

I suppress a smile. "Tu es débile," I tell him, carefully enunciating each syllable. "Débile," of course, is French for "moronic."

I listen patiently as he perfects his pronunciation, repeating over and over again, "You...are...moronic. You are...moronic. You are moronic."

Finally, when he feels he has it, he turns to our mother. He smiles sweetly and tells her, "Tu es débile."

It'll be an interesting summer.