12 June 2011

Lifetime warranty





Kohl's department store has the following return policy: Return any item at any time for any reason, no receipt necessary.

My dad saw this in a commercial and figured that meant anything you buy at Kohl's, and anything you have ever bought at Kohl's, has a lifetime warranty. Now, he does not frequently venture out into the real world. But today he did. To Kohl's.

He brought with him four (quatre, cuatro, 4) pairs of ancient Levi's. None of these were purchased in 2011. Or 2010, probably. It's fair to say they date back to the 90's.

As he placed the jeans on the counter of the Returns desk with a smile on his mug, the woman looked at him, as baffled as she should have been.

"You're wondering what I'm doing?" he said to the underpaid worker. "I don't have the receipts. But I want a refund. They're old, faded, ripped, torn, and they don't fit anymore."

And so the crazy motherfucker got $169 for his destroyed pants.

But the part that blows my mind is his utter shamelessness when recounting the tale to me.

"They weren't dirty," he said, as if this was my primary concern.

"Yes they were," my slightly-more-sane mother corrected.

"Well one pair was dirty, I had to take it off and take it back."

Am I crazy? He's crazy, right? It's appalling, this is the man whose sperm is halfway responsible for my existence. Store policy or not, he is a sociopath.

I love you, Father Bear.