I come from a family whose primary value is the ability to spot an opportunity for a prank when one presents itself. My most recent victim was my dear friend V. this April Fool’s Day. It was really a joint effort on the part of myself, my polyamorous partner E., and E.’s partner M., both indispensable to my tale.
As I was born with the curse of being incapable of keeping a straight face while telling a lie, I relied on text messaging. In brief, I told my friend that I was quitting work and school to have babies with my lover. Organized chaos ensued.
I have punctuated, condensed, and translated our heated conversation into English (French below).
K: I want your opinion on something. Do you have a minute?
V: I’m listening.
K: Since I don’t have class anymore, E. thought it would be nice if we had babies together so that hers won’t be alone. I don’t like kids, but I love E. and want her to be happy, so I told her I would think about it. But I don’t know. Don’t worry, I’m not asking for your sperm!
V: I honestly think it’s a very bad idea. Your situation isn’t stable, and your relationship with E. isn’t serious enough to have a child.
K: But I’ll find a job soon, and I’m afraid she’ll leave me if I say no. Her baby will be important to her. If I have one too, it could guarantee me a place in her life. Plus, having a child in France would help with my citizenship request!
V: Well if she doesn’t give you a place in her life, it wasn’t made to last. Nothing’s stopping you from taking care of her child.
K: She promised to take care of everything if I do it. I already told her I would move in with her and her boyfriend in August. Of course it’s my choice whose sperm I would use, but her boyfriend agreed to help if I wanted because I don’t know many men.
He doesn’t respond for quite some time. He’s calling our friends, clumsy girl and sex tape girl, to tell them I’ve lost my mind, as I would later discover. Unamused, they also flip and berate me for my joke.
V: You shouldn’t have a child or move in with her, it’s much too fast.
K: That’s all? Why? I’m ready. You’re one of my best friends and it’s important to me to have your support.
V: I’ll tell you what I think. You’ve been together four months, you haven’t met her family. She’ll meet yours soon, and I find it’s a bit early. Keep your apartment in case it goes badly. Finish your studies in the U.S. since you want to go back. See how it goes with her child before saying yes.
E. and I begin to tire of his calm, rational, lawyerly reactions. So we push a little harder.
K: I’ve met her mom and her sister, don’t worry! But she’s right, it’s the best time. If I leave work to take care of our children, I’ll have time to write and think about what I really want to do. I think I’ll stay in France because it’s impractical to leave with a baby. And it’s too late for the move, I’ve already sent a letter to my landlady.
V: You can’t do all this just for fear that she’ll leave you. You sent your letter too early, it’s bullshit.
K: But I love her, I want to make her happy. I was excited, I wanted to send it right away. E. helped me write it.
V: I understand that you love her, but you can’t just do whatever. This kind of thing should be thought out after many months. We’ll talk again later, I have work to do.
K: I thought about it for a few days, it’s what I want. You won’t be available anymore tonight?
He thinks he’s done with this and moving on. But he’s perturbed, unable to work, and returns shortly.
V: If you have a child, you’ll have to deal with it until the end even if your relationship ends while you’re pregnant, think about that.
K: I think I’ll be with her the rest of my life. And I’m not the only one thinking of having a child with her, we talked about it with M., and she’s already agreed. They’ve even merged their bank accounts and everything, I’m the only one that isn’t wholeheartedly in the relationship.
V: Is this an April fool?
K: Of course not. I want to be with her forever. She’s in a civil union with her boyfriend, and M. and I will be in one in a couple of months. We’re all moving in together in Bègles. I’m really lucky two have found these two amazing girls and to have the opportunity to be such a big part of their lives. I wish you’d be happy for me.
V: Go ahead.
On that angry note, he leaves me.
It’s only because I love him so dearly that I made him my fool. It’s what one should expect upon befriending a Mills.
Click to enlarge. If you so desire.