04 January 2015

The difficulties of a murder–suicide

Last year, I got into the habit of writing down certain things said by friends, family, and partners: statements and interactions I found ridiculous and/or humorous (low bar). I’ve compiled a list of these, decontextualized for comedic effect.


“I’ve been watching a lot of movies and reading a lot of books, and I’m pretty confident I can get out of the Louvre with a nice painting for my wall.”
¨
“Can you please stop using my salt shakers to make holy water.”
¨
– “You’re making my eye twitch.”
– “You’re making my balls hurt.”
¨
– “Why are you naked?”
– “Because I wanted to be.”
¨
“Is this okay? There’s no diamonds and shit.”
¨
“It’s like, some people like almond milk. I’m disgusted with almond milk. It’s perfectly fine that other people like almond milk, but I hate almond milk.”
¨
– “We should drive through Boone County!”
– “That’s in West Virginia.”
– “Well I’ll admit it’s a bit out of the way.”
¨
“I wish you were here. It’s hard to do a murder–suicide without the whole family.”
¨
– “You must be a terrible lover.”
– “Yeah, I know.”
¨
“You’re a lying little shit.”
¨
– “I need to buy some things for my rats.”
– “They like strychnine pellets.”
¨
“Okay. I’m gonna go peel an egg.”

These people are why I require so few friends.